From The ‘Had I But Known’ Department

12.08.2004

From the “Had I But Known” Department

As a Gardnerian Wiccan High Priestess, I wasn’t much use. Sure, I quickly learnt how to deliver my lines and not trip over the furniture, and I developed (she says modestly) into rather a good ritualist in due course–but there were other things expected of one in my position that I simply could not (and in some cases, obstinately would not) deliver. I’m not particularly garrulous in person, disinclined to deliver “sermons” or even go into much detail about what I believe/think/do and how and why. I’ve been of a mind for as long as I can remember that spiritual things are deeply personal things–that one size most assuredly does not and can not fit all, and that what works or worked for me is immaterial because we all take different paths to arrive at our destinations. Plus, I wasn’t one to just get, you know, possessed by the Goddess at the appointed times and spout forth Wisdom From Beyond, and a perceived inability to do that really loses you points in such circles.

At any rate, I often found myself with very little to say, about anything. If you asked me something directly, I’d certainly answer you, but if you were fluttering around like a little baby bird with your mouth wide open, waiting for me to regurgitate some Secret Teaching into your awaiting maw, you’d find yourself with a long wait, indeed; not my style. In all my years of attempted Wiccanery (rhymes with “chicanery”), I never did get the hang of it. I never much cared what anyone else was thinking, or believing, or doing, or perceiving, and I had no interest in pushing any party line, not even my own. (Sometimes I think I must be the oddest person on the planet.) Unfortunately for me and my career as High Priestess of the Wicca, this approach did not fly. It seems to me now that most of the seekers that do their seeking down that path come in with a set of expectations in hand: that Wisdom will be dispensed, that Knowledge and Secrets will be forthcoming, that these things will be bestowed upon them by the all-powerful and all-knowledgeable Priesthood–and that if you do not provide the expected goodies, then You SUCK! and must be attacked. (In fairness, I know it’s not just in Wicca; I’d say it’s endemic to religion in general.)

Pity that it took years for me to realise my style, or to even discover that I had one. It is, oddly enough, a rather more Zen approach–though of course I had no way of knowing or understanding that ten years ago when I first blindly stepped onto that Wiccan path (this is where “The Fool” card of the Tarot is applicable). I’ve been reading quite a bit of Buddhist material lately–at first as research for writing Inuyasha fanfiction, but the subject began to really resonate with me, to the point where it was beginning to creep into my personal spiritual landscape and practise. Just this morning I was reading this article at Beliefnet when I was struck by a moment of samadhi. “That’s me,” I thought, reading of the Zen teachers’ approaches; “that’s my style.” And if it took going through there (i.e. those years of Wiccanery and their attendant woes) to get here, then it was worth the trip–detours, distractions, flat tires, traumas and all. Because that moment of clarity was unbearably sweet; and once you’ve seen a thing, you can’t ever un-see it.

Oh, and in a particular bit of irony, on what day did I have this awakening? December 8th, the final day of Rohatsu, the Zen celebration of the historical Buddha’s enlightenment.

Some days, I really love how the universe works.

(Postscript: Note that I’m not claiming to be a Zen Master now; just a yutz who had a mild epiphany and feels the better for it. I’m just sayin’.)

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